Friday, August 3, 2007

When Women Think Like Men

I’m certain that the disgust I felt could be seen in my facial expressions. After years of attempting to find a way to enter into a meaningful, mutually beneficial and committed relationship, I had come to the conclusion that maybe it wasn’t out there for me. That isn’t anything new. One of the primary themes in my novels Preacha’ Man and the sequel Backslide are the struggles facing single men in ministry who are searching for love.
I’ve come to regard my grapples as a man in ministry as more universal in nature. Hate to say it, but finding love these days has been complicated by a new set of dynamics that have fractured the state of romance in a way that has me aching from head to toe. It was much easier for me to deal with it all when I assumed the problem was with my matching set of bags. It is tough admitting that your problems with women are related to your problems with yourself. As arduous as that may be to declare; it’s easier to tackle things when the only thing standing in the way of you and authentic love is you.
Getting my locs maintained at a salon typically filled with women exposes one to insight beyond what I gather during my trips to the barber shop to get my shave. In other words, the sisters have a different twist. That twist on the state of love had me gasping for a way to find hope beyond what has become, for me, a bitter battle to find the real deal.
What is it? Get this. Women have turned into men. They have found a way to justify their manly ways by using the adage, “since men do it, its okay for us to do the same.” What does a man say to that? You could affirm a woman’s right to function under the same rules as men. You could recognize that the liberating thing to do is to recognize that you agree with their notion that true liberation demands that they be allowed a space to act like men have for ages.
The womanist thinker in me wants to say amen to that. I’m tempted to stand on the side of women and applaud them for breaking free from the crutches of patriarchy. I want to stand by their side and advocate for their privilege to treat men in the way men have historically regarded women. Yes, I want to scream, this is proof that women have finally overcome! Go for it sisters! Treat us in the way we have treated you. Lie to us! Cheat on us! Play games with our heads! Manipulate us for your personal gratification! Go find a young man. Drop the one you’re with for a young, sexy, arm piece. Be the one that proves women can act like men. That makes everything right!
Gasp! Is that what we’ve become? Is the goal of liberation to create a culture were the rules of the oppressor can be exercised by those once oppressed? Is this the way women become free-by becoming more like men? I think not.
I’ve listened as women speak with pride about the show “I Love New York”. The show has taken a reject from Flavor Flav’s “Flavor of Love” and created a version for the sisters. Women are inspired that the games used to degrade women can be used to demote men. If it’s good enough for the brothers, it’s good enough for the sisters. This proves we’re like you, and, as a consequence, you get a chance to see how it feels to be treated like an object rather than a person.
What a sad indictment on the state of affairs between men and women. Wouldn’t it be better to get men to see how their ways have harmed women and men grow beyond the assumptions of patriarchy rather than molding women to use the rules of patriarchy to their own advantage?
Things get worse when the oppressed become the oppressor. When that happens there’s no movement in the direction of bona fide reconciliation. All that reading on womanist and feminist thought has led to this- bend over and take your spanking. Since you’re a man let us treat you like a bitch.


  1. My Brotha... My Brotha! The 'Game' continues, and the players don't understand that both sides are played by the creators of the 'Game'!

  2. To quote a line from the movie War of the Roses, "Winning doesn't always mean a victory and losing doesn't always mean a defeat."
    When men and women engage in this type of detrimental "sport" the injured list is typically comprised of any children involved and those whose intentions are sincere.

  3. This was sent to be in another list serve I belong to and it also addresses the precent attitude of Sisters dating......So do you think these sisters are on point in their article.....

    Who is your 'perfect' black man? BY By Trudy Simpson and Adrian Mitchell

    IF you believe some researchers, thousands of years ago, there was a sexual power shift, which made our male ancestors realise that brute force and murdering rivals to impress a females would no longer work.
    The expectations of women had changed. They had become more picky, preferring romance and good looks to a bloody carcass and a bump on the head.

    Following their lead, men took this mating battle to a new arena. They began using looks and other non-deadly tactics to woo women.

    In today's mating dance, some of these tactics remain, spawning the growth of a male beauty industry and filling our screens and magazines with tall, handsome hunks, who sport hip clothes and chiselled chins, rippling muscles, honeyed voices and smooth moves. According to these rules, men now had to have heavy bank balances to match those smooth moves.

    But are these traits all that matter to women?

    Physical appearance

    Of course not, declared Carol Lewis, a 42-year-old health care worker from Brixton. Speaking with The Voice last week about what she was looking for in the perfect black

    man, Lewis said it takes more than physical perfection and smooth moves to make a match. For her, men don't have to be buff to get love. "It's about how he carries himself. Teeth can be fixed, so why worry about them and why should size matter as long as he knows what he's doing in the bedroom," she said. In fact, the physical appearance of Lewis' favourite fantasy guy, the artiste formerly known as Prince, had little to do with any of the toned, pumped, pin-ups seen in magazines. "I love Prince. What a cute little ass he's got!" Lewis gushed about the super slim superstar who is currently performing in London. "He has charisma and I love the personality he portrays. I am not sure about the heels but they seem to suit him. He has that sense of fun about him. I like someone who is fun," she added.

    Personality traits

    For women, fun and a sense of humour ranked highly on their list of personality traits for the perfect black man; So too did being honest, caring, and family oriented, knowing his own mind and pulling his own weight— and this meant with the domestic chores and child care too! "He must be a very caring and understanding man. He must love to cook and to do housework," said Barbara Silvera, a 42-year-old from Stratford, who loves her husband's caring ways, luscious, full lips and strong cheek bones.

    "They should have a kind personality and not be gangsterish. I want a nice, genuine person who is willing to work with me so I don't have to do everything," added 18-year-old student Kassandra Clarke.

    While they agreed, some women told The Voice that that ancient instinct is still alive in them, so looks did matter. Some said they were longing for a Denzel Washington, a Tyson Beckford or an Adrian Lester look-alike to come along, preferably gifted in all 'important' areas, combining a good-looking face, fit body and no chest hair with a good job, personality and sensitivity.

    "A perfect black man? Well, if everything is perfect, he can't be ugly!" quipped Cheryl Sterling, a 30-year-old nursery nurse from Catford, south east, London.


    "Everybody is different I guess but he has to have a job and be ambitious. It's the way a man carries himself. They have to look presentable and be confident. I'm not saying it has to be designer clothes but he can't have dirty clothes and shoes that are lean up! I also have a thing about teeth. I can't have a guy whose teeth are 'mash up', yellow or has smelly breath. You also need somebody who can make you laugh and somebody who is family oriented and likes kids. Someone who gets along with your family is also a good thing. You should advertise my number and tell me if this man comes along!" Sterling said with a laugh.

    Arlene Ward, a 23-year-old student from Oxbridge and Ishariah Johnson, an 18-year-old from New Cross in south east London, also considered body odour, wobbly bellies, ignorance, arrogance and shortness as turn offs. "He's got to be educated, assertive, funny, genuine and caring. Looks wise, I go for the tall, dark and handsome ...oh and buff like Tyson Beckford. He has the physique of my ideal man. Very, chiselled and has that sexy look. He has to smell fresh too. The perfect black man is not allowed to be smelly!" Ward said.

    Fit bodies

    Johnson added, "I like them tall and good looking. I like fit bodies. He should keep himself in good shape. I don't like fat men and no facial hair," she outlined. "He should have a good upbringing, believe in God and he has to be educated. Not necessarily at school but he doesn't have to be ignorant. He should be educated in life."

    But what does that mean for the shy, short or chunky guys? They still have a chance for love, the women said. Women told the Voice they often quickly compromised if they found that special someone who embodied many of the qualities they wanted-whether he is slender like Prince or sports a few extra pounds like US actor Forest Whitaker.

    "If they are nice in other ways, it's okay," Ward said.

    Published: 14 August 2007

  4. How sad, how sad. Men have left their rightful place and women... women uphold no place. Girls will never be over a man. Men are to be revered and respected. Women are too I agree. Girls have left little to be respected. The day is coming when Isaiah, "Seven women will go to 1 man and beg him to let them be his wife." I have watched women in the grocery store try to get the attention of my husband with our children. Girls today(Young and old alike)are relentless and godless. They have no respect in and of themselves. Boys as well. There is a commuity of real men and women out here in the world who have morals and standards and refuse for them to be lowered for the likes of such refuse. To man and woman if you don't command respect you certainly won't get it. Respect yourself as the rude boys say.

  5. The sentiment of your post is right on.

    I think you read "The Book of Woman" by Osho. It explains everything.

  6. SCREW LIBERATION,anyone who cheats on their partner(my parents were married 53
    Conman,Sharpton,etc.-WITH A COLLAR BE-

  7. Incidentally,I'm black.(And possess a 154
    IQ and classic good looks.)

  8. If I wasn't married, I would hunt you down! You just expressed everything I been saying for years. I think society started backsliding when women decided to ignore their natural instincts and start acting like men for vengeful & spiteful reasons.

    Women need to start demanding more of their men & stop accepting poor treatment. If we cut em off, they will start behaving like civilized humans because that would then be the only way to get with us! When did women give up on that and embrace the idea that we should act like men? That's where women went wrong.

    Great post -

  9. To that last comment..Women are not like dogs to be trained to "behave"...We are human beings that deserve respects. In a relationship, respect is mutual, if you give respect, you will will get it back...that is what all MEN must understand.